From the daily archives:

Tuesday, February 26, 2008

Just Ducky!

by Frank Paynter on February 26, 2008

Fresh from the wikipedia hotline, this just in…

Cornelius Coot (1790-1880) was born in 1790 as an American citizen. His ancestors had been in America for quite some time and his roots are believed to reach to the colonization of Jamestown, Virginia (1607) and the voyage of the Mayflower (1620). But he is the first member of the Coot Kin to gain prominence. His birthplace is unknown and before reaching Duckburg he lived the life of a wandering hunter. He apparently had travelled all the way from the East to the West coast making his living by trading furs from the animals he killed.

He arrived at Fort Drake Borough, a British military base in Calisota, in 1818. He was apparently only looking for some trading with the soldiers but his life took some unexpected turns. During his stay the Fort was attacked by Spanish Troops from neighboring California. The small British garrison couldn’t defend the Fort and decided to retreat. In order to save face the commander made a deal with young Cornelius. The Fort would pass into his possession and if the Spanish managed to conquer it, he and his troops had nothing to do with the failure other than trusting an insane American to guard. Cornelius agreed. After the escape of the British he managed to frighten the Spanish away by making them believe that British reinforcements were approaching by popping some sweetcorn. [Apocryphal or simply erroneous? Sweetcorn doesn't pop that well. -fp-]

He renamed it Fort Duckburg and turned it into a trading camp for hunters. Soon enough, some of them began to settle down and start their own families. Cornelius started his own farm and started acting as the leader of the new settlement. Pretty soon, a village was flourishing in Duckburg. Calisota was annexed into the new independent state of Mexico in 1821 but Duckburg acted much as a city state. It had its own laws, its own leaders and thanks to Cornelius its own defense force. Cornelius organized the citizens that could carry weapons into the Woodchuck Militia [posse comitatus? -fp-], a force that would guard the territory from any threat, including any conflicts with the Native Americans [concerned regarding species here. are these Native American members of the Anatidae family, or what?] of the area. Cornelius turned the old Fort into the militia’s base. He personally supervised the repairs to the Fort and had the idea to build underground tunnels under the Fort so that even during a siege they could still move in and out of the Fort. Besides the tunnel they made, they found an already existing one, the tunnel built by Fenton Penworthy and his men in 1579 after the building of the Fort. Cornelius explored the tunnel. He found the body of the long-dead Fenton and gave him a proper burial. He also found the info on the Guardians of the Lost Library. He found and kept the book written by Fenton and containing the secret knowledge of the Guardians. Apparently he appointed himself the next Guardian, the first after Fenton.

Cornelius had managed to pipe mountain water into the village. He was a capable leader and managed to improve his settlers’ relationships with the Native Americans over time and Cornelius himself married an Native American woman. They had their only known son Clinton Coot in 1830. [their success at procreation seems to indicate that the referenced Native Americans are indeed Anatidae, but with Walt Disney one never knows, do one?]

[tags]Junior Woodchucks, cooties, old coots, Nathaniel Daniel’s Annual Spaniel Manual, American Spirit[/tags]

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What’s hep right now

by Frank Paynter on February 26, 2008

Friend Feed. Don’t ask me for details. I just report the news.

The jive is hip, don’t say hep
That’s a slip of the lip, let me give you a tip
Don’t you ever say hep it ain’t hip, NO IT AIN’T
It ain’t hip to be loud and wrong
Just because you’re feeling strong
You try too hard to make a hit
And every time you do you tip your mitt
It ain’t hip to blow your top
The only thing you say is mop, mop, mop
Keep cool fool, like a fish in the pool
That’s the golden rule at the Hipster school
You find yourself talking too much
Then you know you’re off the track
That’s the stuff you got to watch
Everybody wants to get into the act
It ain’t hip to think you’re “in there”
Just because of the zooty suit you wear
You can laugh and shout but you better watch out
Cause you don’t know what it’s all about, man
Man you ain’t hip if you don’t get hip to this hip and hep jive
Now get it now, look out
Man get hip with the hipster, YEAH! Got to do it!
— Harry the Hipster, 1947

Rock on…

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Political Highlights of the Day

February 26, 2008

* * *
And how about that consumer advocate!
What’s his name, the guy who astounded the world forty or fifty years ago with the news that not all new cars built in Detroit were as safe as baby carriages, the guy who followed that paperback extravaganza with the news that not all baby carriages were [...]

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