Principles, not personalities

[This post is continued from here, where-in I kvetch and kvell about all kinds of things, and reveal myself to be a grumpy old grouch].
I visited the Meetinghouse and found the pamphlet I needed to prepare for the committee meeting Monday night. The pamphlet, a structured discussion of Quaker marriage has a lot to recommend it in terms of its elaboration of issues faced by Friends in matters matrimonial since the 17th century. My initial grumpiness centered, I think, on the fact that we support wedding commited couples and it seemed like this was the one step back in the progress two-step, because…

I’ve worked with clearness committees for marriage for heterosexual couples and we didn’t ground ourselves with this reading, or with any other, but rather relied on a traditional practice that drew on the combined experience of members of the committee and the couple. By pulling out this tract, are we creating a distinction that we would rather erase from our consciousness? I am afraid we are doing that.

Each of us has been wounded in some way. We have tender spots that we hope our friends and family will soothe and help us to heal. Some of us have been so cruelly branded by discriminatory practices that the wounds are a chronic condition. Others have scar tissue that shields them from the pain of continued social abrasion. And so, as we move forward to solemnize and to celebrate the marriage of Barb and Amy, we owe them and ourselves the consideration of issues they may face as a married couple of the same gender in 2024. But the pamphlet was written in 1993 and Friends in America had celebrated same-sex marriage for at least ten years before the pamphlet was written, so we are reaching a point that we have reached with other invidiously discriminatory practices in society at large - namely, this stuff is starting to get old. We recognize the dehumanized condition of many who discriminate against those who differ in our larger community, but here in our meeting community we must simply offer love and nurturance and ask, “How can we help thee, friend?”

The pamphlet offers a lot in terms of generalizable concerns for married couples. Where it strays from sound practice is in its assumption of difference in matters of law for these friends. Quakers have ever been faced with matters of conscience, and there are Friends who pay no war taxes, who refuse military service, who practice civil disobedience of any law they find noxious. So “gay marriage” will always, I believe, be an option in Friends meetings regardless of any repressive legislation. But happy marriage, a loving couple, well knit and supported by the meeting is not a sure thing. And this pamphlet, regardless of the cloying comparisons of John Calvi and Marshall Brewer with Margaret Fell and George Fox, offers a fundamental understanding of issues that marrying couples should consider:

1. Do you think you will be good partners? Can you compromise out of respect for the other? Can you articulate your feelings? Do you know your own strengths and weaknesses? What do you do to have fun together?
2. How do you deal with conflict?
3. Do you plan to have children?
4. What are your expectations of marriage? What are your understandings of the nature of the spirtual and corporate nature of a Quaker marriage?
5. What do you think about traditional roles and role separation between wage earning and homemaking?
6. Have you addressed the practical legal matters such as wills that will bind your relationship contractually? Are you free of of other binding relationships?
7. How will you finance your marriage?
8. How do you feel about your soon to be extended family? Do you enjoy each other’s family and friends? Can you have personal relationships that do not include your partner?
9. Are you willing to give the time, patience and openness to a good sexual relationship? How do you feel about sexual and emotional fidelity?
10. Are you aware that the marriage relationship needs constant care and nurture to insure good growth? Are you willing to recommit yourself, day by day, year by year, to try again in spite of difficulties, to recoginize, accept, love and delight in each other’s individuality?