Fisking Halley

Halley Suitt recently responded to a year old ABC sex survey with a post examining why women don’t sleep nude.  I tried to leave a comment, but - ironically - Halley’s Comment won’t take my comment.  Or perhaps there’s no irony there since, after all, it is Halley’s Comment and not mine.  But more to the point, Halley is so wrong.  Here are the reasons Halley thinks that most women sleep clothed and some offhand critique of my own.

1. A lot of us are overweight and think we look like hell naked. (Girls, I hate to admit this, but a lot of us think this way, don’t we?!?) Even if we look good, we don’t think we look good.

ABC said that only about one woman in seven sleeps naked.  Halley posits that American women experience a lot of discomfort about their own bodies.  If Halley could show that around six out of seven women express discomfort with their appearance, then I’d put some stock in this.  But really, when you sleep, you close your eyes, so what does it matter what you look like naked?  Your eyes are closed!

2. Maybe we don’t sleep in the nude because we’re wearing something like this – how bad can it be? Pretty good reason not to be nude.

This almost calls for a guy survey.  Follow that link of Halley’s.  Guys, how many of you have crept into bed beside a woman dressed like that?  No, you imbecile… I mean the WOMAN!  How many of you have crept into bed beside a woman who was dressed like that? If so, was she still dressed like that by the time you fell asleep?

3. If we’re moms, we know with a loud noise in the night, a little thunder, a wet bed or whatever, there’s every reason to believe one or more kids will come climbing into our beds in the middle of the night and it’s probably better to have pj’s on.

This one makes sense, but we need more demographic information.  Halley, how many women are mothers of children who are between the ages of 18 months and about ten years old?  Subtract the number of divorced moms and factor back the number of nights per week that the joint custody agreement has the kids out of the house and we’re approaching some meaningful numbers.  Also there is a little cognitive dissonance rumbling around when this item is compared with number two, above.  Do you really want to be wearing the Fredericks fetish garb when the little one crawls in for some comfort?

4. We don’t want to be that naked idiot on the news, sporting a blanket, if there’s an earthquake, fire or other natural disaster in the middle of the night.

This ranks right up there with the clean undies in case of an auto-accident meme.  People don’t really think like this, but some people’s mom’s would have them believe that people think like this.

5. We sleep with other folks around who would freak to see us naked — parents, fellow college students, drop-in out-of-work brothers on the couch in the livingroom, you name it.

This is what the bathrobe is good for.  If you sleep naked beneath a blanket, and pull on a robe when you skip off to the loo in middle of the night, well — small chance that impressionable brother is going to glimpse your special parts.

6. The statistics are off because … we might spend a lot of time naked in bed, but when it comes to actual "sleeping", we throw our old UCLA tee shirt on, grab our teddy bear and can only get cozy that way.

The statistics are off because ABC only surveyed women who were likely to drink too much and pass out half-dressed and later pull a blanket over themselves when they woke up enough to fall asleep.

7. If we sleep naked with our beau, boyfriend, lover or husband, they would never stop trying to get one last touch, squeeze, stroke or rub of various available parts of our curvy bodies — and you’d never get a bit of sleep. Can’t you just hear them blaming it on us, "You can’t lie around looking like that and not expect me to touch you!"

The sad truth is if you go to bed with your beau, boyfriend, boyfriend, lover, or husband the odds are your partner will try to get in some touching, squeezing, stroking, and rubbing regardless of whether you have your jammies on.

8. You feel so … NAKED … when you’re a naked woman. It’s hard to keep your own hands off yourself sometimes.

You need to understand that you will go blind and/or god will strike you dead if you do this.

9. Our arms get cold. (This happens to be my real excuse, often as not.)

Some people sleep with their arms under the covers too.  Just not the ones with a firm grasp of the concepts enumerated under number eight, above.

10. Sleeping in the nude … it’s just too … Swedish. We’re Puritans, don’t forget!

When I think of Puritans I think of Demi Moore in that movie about the girl with the letter jacket… Hester somebody.