Listics

Yes, it’s time for me to share another one of those humorous items otherwise known as forwarded spam.  Take it away Dr. Laura and friends…

On Laura Schlesinger's radio show recently, she said that, as anobservant Orthodox Jew, homosexuality is an abomination, according toLeviticus 18:22, and cannot be condoned under any circumstance. The following isan open letter to Dr. Laura, penned by a US resident, which was postedon the Internet. It’s funny, as well as thought-provoking.

         ******************************************        Dear Dr. Laura:

        Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding God’s        Law. I have learned a great deal from your show, and try to        share that knowledge with as many people as I can. When        someone tries to defend the homosexual lifestyle, for example, I        simply remind them that Leviticus 18:22 clearly states it to be an        abomination… End of debate.   I do need some advice from        you, however, regarding some other elements of  God’s Laws and        how to follow them.

        1. Leviticus 25:44 states that I may possess slaves, both male        and female, provided they are purchased from neighboring        nations.  A friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans,        but not Canadians.  Can you clarify?  Why can’t I own        Canadians?

        2. I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned        in Exodus 1:7.  In this day and age, what do you think would        be a fair price for her?

        3. I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she        is in her period of menstrual uncleanliness - Lev.15: 19-24.  The        problem is how do I  tell?  I have tried asking, but most women        take offense.

        4. When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it        creates a pleasing odor for the Lord - Lev.1:9.  The problem        is, my neighbors.  They claim the odor is not pleasing to them.        Should I smite them?

        5. I have a neighbor who insists on working on the  Sabbath.        Exodus 35:2. clearly states he should be put to death. Am I        morally obligated to kill  him myself, or should I ask the        police to do it?

        6. A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is        an abomination - Lev. 11:10, it is a lesser abomination than        homosexuality.  I don’t agree.  Can you settle this?  Are        there degrees of abomination?

        7. Lev. 21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God        if I have a defect in my sight.  I have to admit that I wear        reading glasses.  Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there        some wiggle-room here?

        8. Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including        the hair around their temples, even though this is expressly        forbidden by Lev. 19:27.  How should they die?

        9. I know from Lev. 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead        pig makes me unclean, but may I still play football if I wear        gloves?

        10. My uncle has a farm.  He violates Lev.19:19 by planting         two different crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing        garments made of two different kinds of thread (cotton/polyester        blend).  He also tends to curse and blaspheme a lot.  Is it        really necessary that we go to all the trouble of  getting the        whole town together to stone them?  Lev.24:10-16.  Couldn’t we        just burn them to death at a private family affair, like we do with        people who sleep with their in-laws? (Lev.20:14) I know you        have studied these things extensively and thus enjoy        considerable expertise in such matters, so I am confident you        can help.  Thank you again for reminding us that God’s word is        eternal and unchanging.                Signed,                An adoring fan

       "It’ll take a long time to restore chaos." — George W. Bush

Here’s an item sure to creep a lot of people out…  straight from Cyber Jesus Land, we have:

Porn-Busters — The Power of Surveillance

While countless websites are designed to get surfers to view porn, at least one website, XXXchurch.com, is helping people do just the opposite: avoid porn online.

The site succeeds when it convinces people to download software
called "X3watch," a porn-busting application that leverages the power
of surveillance. Users of X3watch designate "accountability partners"
who receive reports about the user’s surfing behavior.

Yesterday’s article in the NY Times
reports that "100,000 people have downloaded X3watch, including all of
the pastors at the church" where one of the founders attends. The
pastors, the founder, and others have designated their wives as
accountability partners. According to the article, "Internet
pornography is one of the vexing issues for churches today."

Once your spouse is an accountability partner and naked teenage nymphets no longer grace your screen and your keyboard and mouse are like totally de-stickified, I guess you have to get by on fantasies of just what the low slung mammoth mammaries of Bush’s life partner look like when she displays them in one of those roomy pink Chanel suits on network television.  Whatever you do, though… take my advice:  don’t tell your accountability partner if you get a letch on for Laura.  Really.  There’s no percentage in it.  Just hold the thought for later.

Blood-Sucking Monkeys At Temple Attack Hundreds

POSTED: 6:10 am EST November 3, 2024
GAUHATI, India — Monkeys lurking at an ancient Hindu temple in India’s northeast have attacked up to 300 children over three weeks.

Temple officials said the monkeys hide in trees and swoop on unsuspecting children, “clawing them and even sucking a bit of blood.” They said at least 2,000 rhesus monkeys roam in and around the temple, but none had shown aggressive behavior in the past.

“I was returning home from school when a monkey suddenly pounced on me, scratched my head and hand and pushed me to the ground,” said Jolly Sharma, a 6-year-old girl.

Monkeys are often found in tens of thousands of temples across India. They are seen as a symbol of the Hindu monkey god, and devotees visiting temples often feed them.

While occasional attacks by monkeys are not uncommon at temples, the sudden surge in attacks at the Gauhati temple has experts perplexed. Busloads of Republican lawyers even now on their way to Ohio are thought to have trained in the region over the last few weeks. Karl Rove denied complicity. In a typical off-mike burst of warmth and concern, GW Bush was heard to mutter, “Bite me.”

Bruce points at this article by one Dr. Hunter S. Thompson.

Kerry came into October as a five-point underdog with almost no chance of winning three out of three rigged confrontations with a treacherous little freak like George Bush. But the debates are over now, and the victor was clearly John Kerry every time. He steamrollered Bush and left him for roadkill.

The word from Kansas City is that with all the button down conservatives out there it’s easy for a 20 something guy with a shaved head to catch their eye.

Thought of Golby and Savory when I read this article from the Winona Minnesota Daily Blat…

Minn. Trooper Writes 205 Mph Ticket

WABASHA, Minn. (AP) — With a State Patrol airplane overhead, a motorcyclist hit the throttle and possibly set the informal record for the fastest speeding ticket in Minnesota history: 205 mph.

On Saturday afternoon, State Patrol pilot Al Loney was flying near Wabasha, in southeastern Minnesota on the Wisconsin border, watching two motorcyclists racing along U.S. Highway 61.

When one of the riders shot forward, Loney was ready with his stopwatch. He clicked it once when the motorcycle reached a white marker on the road and again a quarter-mile later. The watch read 4.39 seconds, which Loney calculated to be 205 mph.

“I was in total disbelief,” Loney told the St. Paul Pioneer Press for Tuesday’s editions. “I had to double-check my watch because in 27 years I’d never seen anything move that fast.”

See Escanaba and die, as the saying goes. It’s been a long and wonderful trip, punctuated by random events such as the idiot light on the dashboard informing me that maintenance is required because we passed a pre-set mileage, It’s been a geographic eye opener… we’ve gazed upon all five of the Great Lakes, smelled stinky Lake Champlain, passed easily into Canada and suffered the indignities of return to our own country. On our 14 day trip we visited with five different families and took care of a little business too. As we swooped across Quebec and Ontario I thought of lots of bloggers I’d like to drop in on, and I decided that I’d stick with a single rude, self-invitational imposition this trip and restrict my gregarious nature to lunch with Dean and Susan in New York and a longer get acquainted visit with Dervala and Tim on the greatest lake of all.

Thoughts for serious posts have been boiling up… my Sherman statement - a discourse on why if elected I will not run, and the string of ill choices I made during the Vietnam era… an inquiry into the effect of the Acadamie Francaise on the ris of post-modern thought… a serious disquisition on the two party system and why the Greens better start locally if they want to influence any change…. a naturalist/naturist essay on life in the wilderness, leather leaf, blueberries and the superflous nature of underwear.

The mind is terrible thing.

On this trip I was bitten by three different bugs. A spider got me on Woods Hole, and that ugly bite is finally healing. A black fly took a chunk out of my neck night before last, and a mosquito found its way through my embarrassingly thin top-knot and took a bite of my scalp. I am just itching to get home.

…now go home.

I also remembered Madison being dirtier and poorer than it is. Memories of opinions. Perhaps my point of view then was more priviledged somehow, or my tolerance for grunge has gone up.