We put some Kate Moss on our lawn. It turned the grass white, and then it only lasted a few moments before there was this need to put more on the lawn. We love their marketing: “blow a gram and enjoy the effects!”

On the Bizarro planet Deepak Chopra and Katie Littleteenyshapelessthingwhomodelswhennotdoingblow are getting married and raising llamas. They both make a mistake, though, and yell out HOLY COW! whenever the beast appears on TV.

As for PingLee, Madame, I’d keep an eye on that one (well, I won’t, but you know what I mean). Cathryn, my youngest, appears remarkably similar–hair colourants are bloody expensive and, as for the music… well, it’s not that I disapprove, but it just ain’t the same (I can handle NIN, Tool, and others, but the rest–especially their friends’ bands–are beyond me). What’s it with these kids? It’s like they’ve grown up without parents or something–and benefitted hugely.

Where’d we go wrong? Or right?

Apologies, Frank. Parental stuff and all that. You know the drill. Been there, done that, have the T-shirt, nervous tic and bottles of sedatives…

BTW Leslie, you can also give your daughter a piece of my mind. Kate would never dream of getting involved with stuff like that. She’s such a lovely girl…