Write like a wanker…

I noticed in my previous post that I was trying to turn my weblog into a bookmark list.  This is SO wrong.   Fortunately, del.icio.us  is available to fill that need.  Unfortunately, when you open del.icio.us, you spiral inward on a linky journey reminding you of why you started blogging in the first place.  Eventually you find yourself at the white-hot core of internetular wisdom.  Here’s just some of what I found today at a page called "How to write like a wanker."

1. Structure.
Just as every house needs a foundation, every brilliantly immature net text is built on a strong structure of ignorance, sloth, and mindless  misguided belligerence. You cannot afford to ignore this section.

Don’t capitalize.
Hey, if it made e.e. cummings look like a visionary, surely it’ll do the same for you, right? Wrong. It makes you look like a lazy fuckwit. 
(Unless you demonstrate that you can use the shift key: for instance, by using characters that demand it, like double quotes. Then it makes you look like a pretentious fuckwit.) Even if you somehow manage to pull off the no-caps style with grace and flair, the best impression you will make is that of a fuckwit admirer of e.e. cummings. That puts you one up on ninety-eight percent of the Internet, but you’re still a fuckwit.

2. Style.

As one of my friends is fond of pointing out, a gratuitously bad command of the English language doesn’t necessarily indicate a fundamentally dumb text. (If nothing else, a kitten walking across a keyboard may randomly type a Zen koan.) To present yourself as a proper wanker, you’ll have to do better than sloppy spelling and atrocious grammar; you also have to demonstrate that you genuinely have no fucking clue what you’re     talking about.

Make Personal Attacks.
If someone’s arguing with you, the best way of refuting them is to call them a ‘fag’ or a ‘Nazi’. (‘Pedophile’ is rapidly gaining popularity in this regard, too.)

Posted in Arts and Literature
4 comments on “Write like a wanker…
  1. Doug Alder says:

    Damn he’s been reading my weblog 🙂

  2. Stu Savory says:

    This is a statement obviously against group blogs :
    At least when one writes like a wanker one does so singlehandedly 🙂

  3. fp says:

    Are you saying you run into no jerks in your circles Stu?

  4. Stu Savory says:

    I prefer chicks to pull-its 🙂

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